it was my fault, no it wasnt.

Salam :(

Well let me blame it on the PMS thingy why I become so easily boiled, so short tempered and stuff. Or let me just blame myself for not opening the damn car door and just hopped off at 80km/h. And let me just tell you, that I am not prepared for every situation, that I am not trained to see the future, and I am f-ing dont want bad things to happen to myself. But like a problem magnet, I attract them like hell. So excuse me for bringing problems into people lives, and if you think I am proud, am happy, am enjoying myself for being this way, well you are wrong.

Is this the stage where 22 year olds go through before they really, I mean really will be successful in life? Where the stress is at maximum level, and u feel like you can do nothing except blowing hateful words to people around you, where you just do wrong things, at wrong times? Where you will be at your lowest low, and when you look around, hell, your friends are not there, your boyfriend is not there, and you could tell things to your family but they are 500kms away from you, but you choose not to tell them because you are afraid they will get on the car and speed like hell just to get to you, and if anything happens to them you are the reason? Can u f-ing cope with that? Can you? Because I know I f-ing cant.

And before you start to judge me by being a dependent person, let me just tell you. I am not. I am used to do things my way, I am used to be alone, I am used to help myself in anyway other people cant. I have lots of skeletons in my closet, and boy, nobody can open them, even if you have the key. There's more that this pretty little head holds, more than anyone know. And I dont blame people for giving up, bcause perhaps, I have given up a long time ago. Just I pretend I am going on, pretending as long as I can. Yes, that f-ing make a pretender, a fake and what else, come on give me names! I know you want to. Bring it lah.

At this exact moment I am still considering going back to my hometown, to everything thats neutral, to where I know I never could be wrong. To a place where I would be fully myself, where my parents think I am right like most of the time, and will give me spaces to do mistakes, so I could learn things, learn how to live, by experience. If I could just run, if I have the ability to go places, the one place I could feel safe is that blue room, inside that grey house. With the 2 person Id die for, which are ibu and ayah. Damn I miss them much.

So due to the FB status, Dalia and I am ym-ing together, catching up. Thanks bff, you make me cry because I never knew that one question ' r u oke?' could makes me feel so loved. Make me feel so warm. I love u girl.

This entry is not subjected to anyone. You is subjected to nobody. Who that matters is the character 'I'. ME.

Regards, Qila