tell me.

Salam. :|

I cant do this on my own.
I have feelings, too.
Put urself in my shoes.
Then you'll know.
That some words can hurt me.
Some actions can make me cry.
I thought you knew that, I thought you'd understand.

U could be patient once, longg ago.
Why can't you now?
Why can't you be patient with me?
What is different now, the time dulu dan sekarang, atau the person?
What changed?

Tell me, tell me now.
Ill try, I promise you that.
But will you try, too?
For me, for you?

So smile and get ready to face the world, because no one needs to know how you feel. :)

Regards, Qila

U SHOULDNT FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE.

JUST FOR YOUR INFO,

I AM FIRE.

Regards, Qila

hush.

Salam :(

You know what hurts the most, lagi sakit than the fights? The silence.

Sebab you have nobody to talk to, to tell things, to listen to. Its lonely. And I dont do lonely. And that hurts the most.

Sebab you think you tried, but it wasnt just good enough. For anyone. So you are left alone. It feels like nobody understands you. You try to be understanding, you really tried, when you havent been that understanding before, tapi no use. USELESS. Bcos no one is that understanding to you.

And you are left with runny nose, and puffy eyes, crying, trying to sleep and hoping when you wake up its just a dream. But guess what? You wake up and its real. So you sleep again. Wake up, and its still real. And you just cant take it anymore, you just breakdown. The only comfort that you have is that Korean series that will accompany you for the rest of the night. But even the series will end, and you are left alone again. So you watch it slowly, part by part, making it last as long as possible, bcos secretly, you dont want it to end. Ever.

Isnt that sad? Do you feel me? Even if you feel me, what are you going to do?

Regards, Qila

-

Salam :(

Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart?

Regards, Qila

Hm.

Salam :(

The 2nd most stressful week of my final year.

I think after this Ill become a quiet, invisible girl. Nothing I say ever makes any difference, buat orang benci lagi ada. So perhaps Ill zipped up my mouth and let my fingers do the talking.

So blog, you'll be working extra hard now on.

This head is blank, rasa macam penuh kapas je. And I feel like I'v lost my sync with the person I though could read me. I dont know if the exams are killing it, or me myself is killing it. Guess it all comes down to one person. ME. Whatever. Gonna read like there's no tomorrow and wanna be away from any keyboard, keypad or whatsoever. Whateverrrrrrrrrrrr.

Regards, Qila

Plain numbers.

Salam :|

Perhaps I need some reassurance, and for every question I ask, I should not be treated as a child. I am not that stupid to ask dumb questions, so when I ask, there's a reason for it.

And hearing that particular number, although PERHAPS its random, really hurts.

And PERHAPS I should stop saying I'm oke when I'm not. I hate lying, and lying doesnt help at all.

Regards, Qila

Lie to me with style, heart.

Salam :(

When tears could no longer make me calm, when all I can see is the colour black, when everything has become the past instead of the future, when all promises are now just words.. When every little sound has become silent, and every scent is just a smell. It makes you hopeless.

And I just realized I got dry skin when Im stressed. All I want right now is to go home, and perhaps forget everything, because truly, I can not take this anymore. Ibu, Qila penat. I cant control anything anymore, not even myself. This is not me.

I did tell myself, this heart will not break. I almost believe those words. And it started to feel like a lie.

Regards, Qila

it was my fault, no it wasnt.

Salam :(

Well let me blame it on the PMS thingy why I become so easily boiled, so short tempered and stuff. Or let me just blame myself for not opening the damn car door and just hopped off at 80km/h. And let me just tell you, that I am not prepared for every situation, that I am not trained to see the future, and I am f-ing dont want bad things to happen to myself. But like a problem magnet, I attract them like hell. So excuse me for bringing problems into people lives, and if you think I am proud, am happy, am enjoying myself for being this way, well you are wrong.

Is this the stage where 22 year olds go through before they really, I mean really will be successful in life? Where the stress is at maximum level, and u feel like you can do nothing except blowing hateful words to people around you, where you just do wrong things, at wrong times? Where you will be at your lowest low, and when you look around, hell, your friends are not there, your boyfriend is not there, and you could tell things to your family but they are 500kms away from you, but you choose not to tell them because you are afraid they will get on the car and speed like hell just to get to you, and if anything happens to them you are the reason? Can u f-ing cope with that? Can you? Because I know I f-ing cant.

And before you start to judge me by being a dependent person, let me just tell you. I am not. I am used to do things my way, I am used to be alone, I am used to help myself in anyway other people cant. I have lots of skeletons in my closet, and boy, nobody can open them, even if you have the key. There's more that this pretty little head holds, more than anyone know. And I dont blame people for giving up, bcause perhaps, I have given up a long time ago. Just I pretend I am going on, pretending as long as I can. Yes, that f-ing make a pretender, a fake and what else, come on give me names! I know you want to. Bring it lah.

At this exact moment I am still considering going back to my hometown, to everything thats neutral, to where I know I never could be wrong. To a place where I would be fully myself, where my parents think I am right like most of the time, and will give me spaces to do mistakes, so I could learn things, learn how to live, by experience. If I could just run, if I have the ability to go places, the one place I could feel safe is that blue room, inside that grey house. With the 2 person Id die for, which are ibu and ayah. Damn I miss them much.

So due to the FB status, Dalia and I am ym-ing together, catching up. Thanks bff, you make me cry because I never knew that one question ' r u oke?' could makes me feel so loved. Make me feel so warm. I love u girl.

This entry is not subjected to anyone. You is subjected to nobody. Who that matters is the character 'I'. ME.

Regards, Qila

Ruins.

Salam :(

When you spent a lifetime trying to figure out things on your own, you tend to try and solve your problems by yourself. Trying to figure out what feelings you are feeling at a time. You just know it sure dont feel good, and it affects the people around you, the people you love, the people that you swore to yourself you will try to make them happy, happier than you have ever been, the people you care about. But when you try to do things by yourself, people feel like you are shutting them out, it doesnot mean that you are ignoring their efforts, perhaps maybe you just dont know how to express those feelings. Because its scary, feeling things you have never felt before. Its scary. And you dont know how to put those feelings into words, and when the people around you think its hopeless, when they stopped to try, you are alone, once more.

Pernah rasa perasaan your chest is tight, you cant breathe properly, your stomach's empty not bcos of hunger walaupun baru sudah melantak laksa 2 pinggan, and you are tired, so tired that as soon as you come home you just lay down on the bed and covered your face with a pillow so that no one knew what face you are making underneath it all, or what you are doing at the moment.

And all you can tell the people you love is;

'Please dont stop giving hope, please dont stop trying, please dont get fed up.'

Because its not that you dont want to change, it just takes time. Changes takes time.

And you can just hope that you can change just in time, before everything falls apart.

*sigh*

Regards, Qila

Of feelings.

Salam :|

So. Here I am. Hmm. How to start? This is a place where you can tell things, kan? It still is, for me. Tak reti nak cakap macam mana. Blur gila. Kepala berat, mata pun berat. The heat is not helpingggg. Buat makin teruk ada lah. Nak balik rumah boleh? :(

Things that you don't know how to turn into words. And you resort to tears whenever nobody's looking. I did tell that Im good at crying silently. Have had years and years of training. ;)

Even as Im writing ni rasa tak sedap hati. Rasa berat. Rasa something is going to happen. Well I know something is going to happen kalau I stay this way. Buat perangai sial ni. I really, really, REALLY need to change the attitude. Tapi sometimes perangai budak2 takes over and I become sgt2 childish. I realize that tapi kenapa tak boleh nak halang langsung perasaan tu. Siap boleh cakap kat diri sendiri 'Please senyum please, please jangan roll your eyes please, please talk please, please be matured PLEASE.' Tapi, ada saya ikut? Nopeeee.

Sebab apa? Sebab saya seorang Aqila. Ha ha double ha.

Regards, Qila.

Moodless

Salam. :(

Tak ada mood for anything. No updates. Nothing. Malas.

Regards, Qila